You may have, somewhere along the way in your journey as the partner of a sex addict been told that you need to depersonalize the addiction. Most partners react to that idea with confusion spiced with a little bit of old fashioned rage. What does that even mean, they ask. How am I supposed to depersonalize something that feels so incredibly personal?
For partners, the addicted individual’s sexual behavior feels like a direct, personal, intimate and very painful betrayal. It affects everything in their lives. Their daily functioning changes and is often impaired. How they feel about themselves, their partner, their children, their friends and co-workers all changes. Who they are sexually and how they express themselves sexually is altered. Their emotional world can become fear driven from the threat of being hurt again.
In light of how personally sexual addiction affects partners, how can they then be asked to depersonalize the addiction?
I think perhaps instead of talking about depersonalization we should be saying, ‘do not take on the addiction.’ In other words, do not pick it up and put it in your emotional rucksack and start carrying it around as though it belongs to you and is about you.
To not take on the addiction is to leave the addiction with the addicted person. It is to recognize that their sexual acting out behavior is not a referendum on you.
It is not a referendum on your worth…
It is not a referendum on your value…
It is not a referendum on your lovability…
It is not a referendum on your sexiness…
It is not a referendum on your parenting, your communication skills, your personality, or your beauty…
Sex addiction is about a complex set of factors that your partner is dealing with and often was dealing with long before meeting you. It is not about you or who you are.
Living with the way that sex addiction has impacted your personal world while also knowing that the addiction is not in any way a value statement or judgment about your worthiness is a Mount Everest size challenge. This is something that most partners cognitively grasp and accept long before it seeps into their spirit, settles in their bones and provides relief from the overwhelming feelings of self-doubt and insecurity that betrayal so often produces.
So let’s walk away from the idea that we can ever possibly depersonalize something so intimately personal. But let’s walk toward the understanding that we do not have to allow the betrayal we’ve experienced to define us. Betrayal is not a reflection of who you are or a referendum on your value. You are loveable and worthy. Period. Sexual addiction does not have the power to rob you of this truth. It may separate you from the truth for a while as you wrestle through the feelings of pain and betrayal. But truth stands firm in the face of lies and eventually shines through.